THE COMING OF THE CROSS
Hey there! My name is Dash St. Pierre I’m a tiger and I’m French Canadian (now how many French Canadian super heroes have you seen. No, Gambit doesn’t count. He was Cajun). I’ve been here helping the Samurai Pizza Cats out for about a year. Let me tell you about how I got here. TO help me with that, here is the narrator:
Thanks Dash (hey and thanks for those fish. (Hey, Any time guy. Just say the word)). But anyway, on with the story (cue ripple dissolve):
It’s another beautiful day here in Little Tokyo. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining (Man, where do the writers come up with this stuff), and the Pizza Cats are hard at work in the Pizza Cats pizza parlor.
Francine: SPEEDY! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU…?
Narrator: Uh-oh, sounds like Francine is a little mad
Speedy: Gee, and it took you how long to figure that out?
N: Hey, I’m new here.
S: Hey, who are you?
N: I’m the new narrator.
S: WHY WASN’T I INFORMED OF THIS?
Polly: You shouldn’t have slept through the script reading yesterday. Guido had to read your lines.
Guido: Hey, it isn’t easy to sound like you.
S: Well excuse me my alarm clock wasn’t working!
As this argument comes to a close, a young man is standing at the counter. Francine, realizing that he hasn’t been helped…
F: WHY HASN’T ANYBODY TAKEN THIS KIDS ORDER? (Starts fuming)
Young Man: Its ok, miss. I’m the patient type
(Polly rushes out)
P: May I take your order?
YM: Oh I don’t want anything. I actually came to inquire about a job
F: A job? (Grabs his hand and proceeds to drag him toward her office) Well, right this way young man.
YM (gives Polly this funny look): Ok…
Well, in the interest of time (and commercial revenue), we wont show you what all was said in the interview. We’ll pick the story back up about an hour later…
F: Guys, meet Dash St. Pierre, he is going to be working with us as a delivery runner.
Dash St. Pierre: Nice to meet all of you. I told Francine all about how I got to Little Tokyo. It’s a very sad story.
F: Yes, I cried for a good 5 minutes after he was finished (Now anyone who knows Francine knows she ain’t the emotional type, so that is saying something).
D: Well unfortunately the producers wont let me tell the story here. They are saving it for a spin-off series!
S: UNBELIEVABLE! It’s only his first episode, and they already are giving him a spin-off series.
D: Hey, just bring that up at the next staff meeting.
Having gotten to know each other a little bit, the cats turned to the fact that the lunch rush was coming, and there were deliveries to be made.
F (answering phone): Samurai Pizza Cats, your pizza delivered fresh and hot in 10 minutes or it’s free. (Phone chatter) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Right. Ok. It’s on its way. Hey Dash, you got your first delivery. Take this sausage, anchovy, and liver special to this address.
D: You got it Francine. (Races out the door)
F: Speedy, you think that you could give him…
D (busts through door): I’m back.
F (turns with a shocked look): ALREADY???
S: Man, GB isn’t that fast, and he can fly! Where is GB anyway?
G: Oh, he and Carla ran off on a tour of Europe. They wont be back for a month or two.
(Lucille walks in)
Lucille: Hello! Oh and who’s this?
P: Lucille, this is Dash St. Pierre. He’s the new delivery carrier.
D: A pleasure to meet you. (Kisses her hand)
Lucille: (blushes. Her top opens up)
F, S, P & G (unison): Uh-oh. (Run away)
D (coughing up smoke): Man, what a woman! (Faints)
As you could probably tell, Dash learned about Lucille, and her “explosive” personality (Man, the writers need to come up with more inventive jokes). Anyway. Soon the telephone rings…
F: Pizza Cats Pizza, if your pizza isn’t delivered within 30 minutes, your next one’s free, and the narrator cant tell any bad jokes for the remainder of the episode!
F: Oh, hey Big Al. Ninja crows in the town square, and a Pineapple, sausage, and anchovy special. Dash, you deliver this pizza to this address. It’s the royal palace.
D (thinking): Wow, my first week and I’m delivering to the big clientele.
F: The rest of you, you know the drill…
F: (over loudspeaker): Hello again people, it’s about that time, but since the writers took their lunch break, I don’t have a rhyme (fires off S, P, and G)
Junior: Mama, why don’t the Pizza Cats just fly in airplanes wherever they are going?
Mama-san: Its not in the show’s budget, dear.
D: Hey Francine, I’m back! (Hmm that’s odd no one is around. I better check this out. Proceeds to investigate. He hears Francine talking and follows the voice. He overhears her talking to Big Al)
D (thinking): Wow! I’m working with the Samurai Pizza Cats! I can’t tell my family about it or else they may want to know about my powers too.
(Scene cuts to the Pizza Cats flying through the air)
S: Hey guys, do you think that we’ll ever get shot out by Francine and not smash into something?
G (sees they are about to hit a house): Not likely. (They smash into house)
S: Hey, where are the ninja crows?
Ninja Crow: We decided to skip the usual battle scene where you kick our butts and go straight to the giant robot!
S: Drat, and I had a really cool intro for this episode… (As he finishes saying this, a large shadow looms over them and Speedy looks up, just in time to see a large foot coming down. He and the others dive out of the way)
S: Whew! That was close. (A giant fist then flattens him)
G: I got it Speedy. (Fires a shot from the Sunspot Umbrella. The robot is damaged, but recovers and knocks him into a house)
P: GUYS! (A giant laser blasts her)
S:(having recovered slightly) we need the Rescue Team for this one… (Rings his cellular cat bell)
F: Hey Speedy, The B Team is on vacation so your going to have to do the best you can.
S: FRANCINE! (A fist again smashes him)
D (Thinking): Oh man, this thing is plastering them. I’ve got to help (runs outside) Good thing I charged the solar battery in my umbrella with my sun lamp overnight. (extends umbrella) Well, here goes….
BY THER POWER OF LIGHT!!!
(The chorus to “Alive” by P.O.D. plays as Dash transforms)
N: Dash is then bathed in light. The light then shatters into a special effects budget busting transformation sequence.
D: I AM THE BEARER OF THE CROSS! (Strikes pose)
Now I have to go help the others. (Races off)
(Scene opens on Dash inside his armor)
D (thinking): Hold on guys, help is on the way.
Speedy (thinking and in a world of pain): We have seriously got to rethink our attack strategy, but how? (Light bulb appears) I got it!
N: Speedy has an idea? Quick call the local news media! Schedule a press conference!
S: Hey, It isn’t THAT rare an event is it?
N: Actually Speedy…
All: YES IT IS!!
N: Anyway… Speedy, Polly and Guido drew their swords and used his new attack strategy. They attacked him in a triangle, and it looked like it would work for a while until…
The robot spun and knocked all three of them to the ground again. Meanwhile, back at headquarters… (I’ve always wanted to say that)
Francine: C’mon one of you has to be available, I’ve been trying all stinking episode! (Finally General Catton appears on the screen) Oh, thank God! Speedy and the others are in trouble I need you guys down here immediately (knocking on door)
GC, Meowzma, Bat Cat, and Spritz: Is this soon enough? (Francine falls to floor)
F: Just get in the ovens (points toward them)
(Launches Rescue Team)
GC: I hope the guys aren’t in too much trouble
M: Uhh, I think their safety is the least of our problems… (They all scream and run smack into a large tree)
BC: Man, somebody needs to teach that girl how to aim… (Others groan in agreement)
GC (hops up) we can worry about that later; right now we need to help the guys out.
BC, M, and S: RIGHT!
GC: So where is this big…? (Interrupted by a large foot nearly landing on him) Never mind. (To robot) Hey you, why don’t you pick on someone your own weapon strength! (Fires cannons at him)
N: And with that the Rescue Team proceeds to fight the robot to give the Pizza Cats time to recover. They look like they are getting the upper hand when all of a sudden…
(Robot spins around and knocks the Rescue Team to the ground)
N: Oh no!! The Rescue Team can’t beat this monstrosity either! Folks this looks like the end of the Pizza Cats! It looks like they are all going to the big litter box in the sky (starts to cry)…
NOT IF I CAN HELP IT!!!!
What? Who was that?
D: Over here. No the other way. Now up a bit. A little more, a little more, yeah right there.
N: Who are you and where did you come from?
D (in typical corny intro fashion):
I am the defender of the weak. I am a light to the lost. I am a friend to the lonely. I fight for truth, justice, and really bad jokes. And now for the corny poetic spiel
Robot, you think you are all big and tough
But you’re nothing more than a bag of fluff
If you think you are such a boss
Then I hope you’re ready to bear THE CROSS!!!
N (under his breath): Man and I thought the Pizza Cats intros were corny.
D: I heard that. Alright, metal head, COME GET SOME! (Motions at the robot)
N: So the robot begins to attack our mysterious new hero. They fight tooth and nail (or tooth and screw as it were) this goes on for hours and hours
SC: Hey, Polly, could you pass the popcorn, this is getting good (Polly passes him a bag)
N: Then finally our hero gets the upper hand and knocks the robot down.
D: Alright, you have tried to terrorize the people of this town, you tried to destroy the Samurai Pizza Cats, and you even tried to destroy the Rescue Team. THIS ENDS NOW! (Draws sword) I summon the power of the elders! (Dash’s sword floats into the air and begins to spin. As it spins faster and faster it begins to catch on fire. He then turns it into a sphere)
(Unleashes a massive pillar of fire and as it approaches the robot, it turns into a phoenix. Upon impact the screen goes dark for a moment. When the scene comes back up Dash can be seen turned away from the robot. The robot falls to the ground and explodes in one of those explosions that is WAY over the show’s special effects budget. As smoke clears, Dash takes a few deep breaths, then falls to the ground and disappears).
SC: Wow that was some light show. I hope the producers can find a way to pay for that.
P: Hey, where was that guy, The Cross?
SC (looking around): yeah, where did he go?
N: And so the Pizza Cats wondered where this strange new hero was as they headed back to the Pizza Cat with the B-Team A few days later…
GB (with Carla): Hey guys, we’re back! So how were things while we were off on our long awaited honeymoon (nuzzles with Carla)
F: Well we hired a new delivery boy (GB looks concerned). Oh don’t worry; he won’t be taking your job. We just needed another one because we were getting swamped. BTW, where is Dash anyway? (Door opens)
D: Sorry I’m late; I had this really weird dream. I dreamed that I was fighting this giant robot and you guys were there, and there were these other cats there, and you were all on the ground and I came and saved you all and blew up the robot.
(SC, G, P, BC, M, GC and S all look at each other): BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!
SC (trying to calm down): We know there was this strange warrior there, but odds are it wasn’t you. Maybe I’ll get to meet him someday
D (thinking): Sooner than you think, man. Sooner than you think)