No Time For Jokes

NARRATOR: It was another day in Tokyo. It was pouring down rain and no customers was in the pizza restaurant.

FRANCINE: I wonder where Polly and Guido are?

SPEEDY: Guido is asleep and Polly is searching for something to do in the attic.

FRANCINE: Oh. Are you sure Guido is asleep? I don’t hear any snoring coming from his room.

SPEEDY: Well, that’s what he said what he was going to do.

NARRATOR: Speedy and Francine were both watching the rain fall when Polly came down from the attic carrying a black box. They both looked at it with interest.

POLLY: This is a box full of magic tricks. It belonged to my Dad who was a magician. Guess who is going to perform them?

SPEEDY: You right?

POLLY: Actually, give a round of paws for Guido the Fantastic!

NARRATOR: The lights got dim and Guido came out wearing a top hat and a black cape over his uniform his. Francine started laughing followed by Speedy.

GUIDO: For my first trick, I will make my beautiful assistant Polly disappear into then air.

SPEEDY: You guys went through a lot of trouble with this. Didn’t you? Magic is so fake.

POLLY: Watch this. It isn't as fake as you think it is.

NARRATOR: Guido took off his cape and held it in front of Polly.

GUIDO: With the magic words, she would disappear into thin air. Abra Cadabra.

NARRATOR: Guido moved the cape away and Polly was gone. Francine and Speedy gasped.

FRANCINE: Holy cats Guido! She’s gone. How did you do that?

GUIDO: A magician never tells. I will now make her come back. Cadabra Abra.

NARRATOR: Polly reappeared.

POLLY: It isn't so fake now, is it Speedy?

SPEEDY: No it isn't. Can you do any more tricks?

GUIDO: Does a cow go moo?

FRANCINE: What’s a cow?

SPEEDY: Yea. Whats a cow guys?

POLLY: Nevermind. Just watch these tricks.

NARRATOR: The Big Cheese is up to no good as usual. I’m looking ahead in the script and not a single is joke written. Oh wait, there are a lot later on. Thank goodness. I can still keep my job.

BIG CHEESE: This plan better not fail!

JERRY: It wont sir.

BIG CHEESE: Why are you so sure?

JERRY: We made the Robot invincible. Nothing can hurt it. Not even Speedy’s fancy sword.

BIG CHEESE: I’m so brilliant I could kiss you!

JERRY: Please, I just ate.

BIG CHEESE: Instead though, I’ll blow up.

NARRATOR: So Big Cheese did just that.

JERRY: Maybe the kiss would have been safer.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Polly and Guido finished up their magic show leaving the others breathless.

GUIDO: We did our job here. That was fun.

POLLY: Yeah it was. I just wish that they would say something instead of standing there with their mouths hanging open.

GUIDO: Let’s take the stuff back to the attic and maybe when we come back they will be talking.

NARRATOR: After they came back from putting away the stuff, Francine and Speedy were still frozen amazed.

POLLY: Let’s take advantage of this moment. I’ll be right back.

NARRATOR: She came back with a dress, makeup, the works.

GUIDO: I see now. We are going to dress Speedy up like a girl and Francine like a guy. When they become unfrozen, we can take a picture and mock them for the rest of their life.

POLLY: That is so mean. Lets do it!

NARRATOR: They both dressed them up by putting the clothes on over their uniform. When they were done, Francine and Speedy defrosted. Guido and Polly started laughing.

FRANCINE: What is so funny?

GUIDO: Have you looked in a mirror yet you two?

SPEEDY: No. Let’s go look then.

POLLY: I will take a picture first while Guido brings out a mirror. This is priceless.

NARRATOR: Polly took the picture and Guido came out with a mirror. He held it in front of them. Francine and Speedy looked in the mirror and screamed.

SPEEDY: What did you do to me? I’m a, I’m a, I’m a girl. What happened?

FRANCINE: I can't believe it. I’m a guy! You guys did this to us when we froze from amazement didn't you?

POLLY: That’s right! You guys look so funny and we have the picture.

NARRATOR: The phone rang and with force of habit, Francine answered it. She turned on the picture and saw it was Al.

AL: Umm, I dialed the right number right? This is the PC.

FRANCINE: Yes it is. Polly and Guido played a mean joke on Speedy and I. Long story. Anyway, why do you call?

AL: One of Big Cheese’s robots is attacking the town. We need the SPC.

FRANCINE: No problem. You hear that guys? You get to kick some robot butt!

NARRATOR: They did their usual routine even though they had to wait for Speedy to take of the clothes.

FRANCINE: Attention little Tokyo. Today we have a special. By two Pizza’s, and you get two SPC free, That’s right folks. You heard it right. You get both Polly and Guido when you buy two pizza pies. This is a once in a lifetime deal. They’re off. Ka-boom! Ka-ping, Ka-pow!

NARRATOR: Francine decided to be nice and aim them for the right place. When they arrived on the spot, that part of the town was totally destroyed. Bad Bird was standing on top of the machine when he heard a voice.

SPEEDY: You messed with the wrong city BB.

BB: Who is there?

GUIDO: You should know this by now. I’m GuidoAnchovis and I’m here to take you down!

POLLY: People call me Polly but you can call me PollyEster. I fight with the power of love! (She blew a kiss)

SPEEDY: You are in for it now BB. It’s time we destroyed you for good.

BB: You can't do anything to the robot. He is invincible!

SPEEDY: Want to bet!

NARRATOR: You know what he is going to do folks so I don’t need to explain however, when the Ginsu sword did no damage, it left the SPC puzzled.
SPEEDY: That leaves me puzzled.

POLLY: Let’s call on the catatonic. Maybe that can help us.

NARRATOR: Before they could do that though, the robot shot a bomb at them causing them to blow away. They all went flying in separate directions. Polly landed in the woods. Guido crashed through the palace into Vi’s room, while Speedy landed just a few feet in front of the robot. When Guido landed on Vi’s floor, Vi screamed.

VI: Help! A big ugly cat is attacking me!

GUIDO: It’s just me Vi. Chill out. (He said getting up and dusting himself off)

VI: Nevermind! I’m sorry. What re you doing in my room anyway?

GUIDO: Well, I was fighting, got blown up by a bomb and landed here. I am really sorry about the ceiling and the mess.

VI: Just be more careful were you are falling next time! Get out of my room before I send you to Prisioner’s Island!

GUIDO: I was planning on doing that Princess. Good day.

NARRATOR: He got up and walked out of the palace dreading the walk back to the battle scene. He decided to go back to the pizza shop since it was closer to see if the others had returned. Meanwhile, Polly landed in a mud puddle in the woods.

POLLY: No!!!!!! Not my uniform! I just got it pressed. I’m going to kill BB for this!

NARRATOR: I’m starting to worry about her. After all, she is talking to herself. Maybe Speedy and the others right about her being crazy.

POLLY: I’m not crazy! You won't be alive much longer if you keep up the wise cracks!

NARRATOR: Like I’m afraid. Anyway, she got out of the mud puddle and headed towards the shop to clean up and get shot out of the gun again. After all, she was in the shop's backyard. Speedy was having better luck then the others though.

SPEEDY: I found out his weakness BB! He can't stand Madonna’s song Material Girl.

BB: How do you know that for sure?

SPEEDY: Everyone hates it and it drove the Catatonic insane one time but that is a long story. (He grabbed a tape player from a house and out in her tape. He pushed play.)

NARRATOR: The robot started to malfunction and it blew up into little pieces.

BB: Why did I ever decide to become a villain? It surely wasn't for the pay. That was sure. Let me go back and give Seymore the bad news.

NARRATOR: When Speedy arrived at the pizza place, he saw his friends sitting around a table.

SPEEDY: There you guys are? What happened?

POLLY: I landed in a mud puddle and had to get cleaned up. I was going to come back and help but Francine wanted me to stay here.

GUIDO: I landed in the Princess’s room and scared the crud out of her. Thanks goodness she wasn't changing or taken a shower. By the way, you owe her 500 dollars for the roof and walls I broke.

SPEEDY: I destroyed a bad guy, save Tokyo and in return I have to pay money! You broke them. Why don’t you pay?

GUIDO: I handed her your credit card. I knew you wouldn't mind. By the way, if you want it back, I would learn how to plead for mercy because I told the Princess she could keep it.

NARRATOR: Speedy wasn't to happy about the news but there was nothing he could do. I would help him out but with my pay, I would be broke in a minute. Anyway, The Big Cheese exploded as usual and it was so repetitive that we decided to say it instead of show it. Remember, Hail to the Pizza Cats.